This is a learning curve! And there will be times when you do over step but, you have to learn from it when it happens. There will be times you will also need to apologize to your husband/boyfriend for doing it. It’s actually a really good idea to sit down and have a conversation with him about this before it happens. There needs to be clear lines for this before you get too involved in the relationship with him and his kids.
I didn’t sit down with my husband to have that conversation until I was a yr in. I stayed out of everything that included the kids and the ex-wife. I was successful for a while but the ex-wife just wouldn’t let me stay out of it. She literally did everything she could to drag me into it. She would then use that as an excuse to fight with my husband, either I wasn’t involved and didn’t care or I was too involved….
When I had a relationship with all three kids, I learned quickly what area of their lives I didn’t need to be involved in. I stayed out of most things to do with school, unless it was a sport, I went to the games to watch the middle kid cheer in the FL heat 5 months pregnant! But, when it came to teacher conferences or anything like that, I stayed away from it.
The only time I took initiative in school or discipline was when we got custody of the oldest kid and she lived with us for over a year. My husband then talked with the ex-wife and told her that we would keep her in the loop but the final decisions would be ours, she was living in out house by our rules. But, that didn’t stop her from trying to run things in our house from her house. One weekend sticks out to me, the kid had been grounded for trying to sneak out of the house in cut off jeans that were extremely too short for a 15 yr old. Of course the ex took her shopping the weekend she had her and bought all the short skirts and shorts she could find. I took them from her and put them in a bag for he ex-wife to take home with her the next weekend she got the kid. There was no way in hell she was dressing like that living in my house.
One area I highly recommend staying out of, is disciplining the kids. If the kids were doing something that I didn’t feel was safe or not cleaning up after themselves, I would ask them to do so and explain why I was asking them. If that didn’t change the behavior I would talk to my husband about it. And then let him handle it from there. Now, there were times he would let them get away with murder and I would lose my shit on him as soon as the kids had gone back to their moms. I tried not to do it in front of the kids but, I do know there where times when I did. I made it clear to him that I don’t mind cleaning the house but, I was not their maid.
I’m not gonna lie, there were times it was really hard to “stay in my lane” so to speak and my husband could see it. He would look at me like I had three heads because I was trying so hard to keep my real thoughts to myself. He got pretty good at picking up when it was time for him to intervene without me having to say a word.
When it came to dealing with the ex-wife, he did everything he could to keep me out of it. And when she tried her hardest to drag me into it, he would ignore it and move on. The ex-wife hated that! She was always looking for a reason to fight and when he didn’t give her one, she would lose her shit. He would look at me and smile knowing that she would soon be looking for anything she could come up with to scream at him about. There where times that we all got along, it wasn’t all bad but, if she didn’t get what she wanted or we stood our ground on something she didn’t agree with. Shit would hit the fan.
The ex-wife came to my baby shower for our youngest, it was our weekend with the kids and we figured inviting her would be easier than trying to get the kids before the party. We have pictures of us and all the kids. All the girls dressed in pink. She had just had her youngest daughter a few months before. She actually behaved, mostly. She made a few off handed comments, nothing new for her but, my best friend wanted to kick her teeth in for one comment. She was pissed because it was completely inappropriate and disrespectful! One of my other girlfriends told her that as soon as she even acted like she was going to confront her about the comment, the ex-wife would start crying like a victim and make a scene. So, surprisingly, she left it alone.
I’ve never seen or heard of a couple who has divorced that have the same rules or run the homes in the same way. So, making sure the kids understand the rules and what it expected in your house will be a huge help. The only main rules we had, were to clean up after yourselves. And don’t be disrespectful to anyone in the house at anytime. My husband and I also didn’t discuss things going on between us and the ex-wife in front of the kids. If something came up, we’d go outside or in the bedroom to talk about it.
We also never asked them what was going on in the house at their mothers. The oldest would complain about things going on and we would listen. We would let her get it out, talk about her feelings and then try to talk to her about her reactions to whatever it was that happened. I know a lot of the times she was looking to get a reaction out of us or for us to go after her mother for it. She learned from her mother how to manipulate a situation into what she wanted.
Anyways….Trust me, you need to sit down and have a conversation with your husband/boyfriend about discipline, school and dealing with the ex-wife before it’s too late. You will save yourself and him some headaches. And it’ll make life with the kids so much smoother. When your husband/boyfriend knows what you expect the rules to be in your house, things will be fun and easier to handle if things do go wayward. On top of saving some headaches for yourself, the kids will also start to see what is expected and that will help keep things moving smoothly in the house.
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